“All civilizations are to some extent the product of geographical factors, but history provides no clearer example of the profound influence of geography upon a culture than in the historical development of the Russian people.” 
-George Vernadsky, as quoted in Yale Richmond’s "From Nyet to Da"

“There’s a lot of drinking at Dartmouth. 4,000 kids in the woods, what do you think is going to happen?”
-The Insider’s Guide to the Colleges

Let’s be honest: Dartmouth is the Russia of the Ivy League.

Just think about the similarities. Both are cold, dark, and isolated. Both enjoy wool clothing and getting Seasonal Affective Disorder (Dartmouth is probably the only Ivy to have sun lamp advertisements in the bathroom stalls). Both are also really cute when they get excited about the sun coming back. Hence Orthodox Easter and Sophomore Summer.

Both also love community. Lots of prospies pick Dartmouth for the chummy atmosphere and life-long friendships. The frat is a lot like the mir or the artel, too; by subsuming yourself in the communal identity, you get respect, friends, and equal access to resources. In Russia, this is equal access to grain. At Dartmouth, this is equal access to pong, invite-only tails, and desirable members of the opposite sex.

And of course, both Darmouth and Russia enjoy drinking. Only Russia could find a way to turn potatoes into shots; only Dartmouth could drink so much of the nation’s Keystone. We both power the world, too: Russia exports petroleum, and Dartmouth exports America’s highest-functioning alcoholics.

The D-Plan is a lot like Russian history. There’s a lot of potential there, but no matter how hard you try, it never works out. This fosters shattered hopes, cynical outlooks, and pessimism. The D-Plan is also like collectivized farming. You want to hang out with your friends and significant others, but the authorities just won’t let you be together.

And don’t forget love for tradition and distaste for reform. Dartmouth and Russia are both quietly convinced that their way of doing things is the best. Russia is the Best at Being Communist, the Best at Killing Hitler, and the Third Rome. Dartmouth is the College on the Hill and the Best Undergraduate Institution in the Nation. Who needs reform when you’re already the best? And don’t get me started on tradition. You might think your college has traditions, but it doesn’t. They will all turn to ash in the triumphant face-melting heat of our bonfires.

My point here is that Dartmouth’s culture may have a lot more to do with tradition, location, and physical topography than we tend to assume. The actions of individual students ultimately operate within the relatively static constraints that are essential to Dartmouth culture. 

October offered a rich harvest of articles about how we should (or shouldn't) be reforming the Greek system. But let’s be honest, kids: Greek life is here to stay, along with snow and the severe lack of malls. And to all you potential reformers out there: please, brush up on your history. Change isn’t going to come from below. Either Dr. Kim will outlaw the Greek system, Thayer will dig a canal to the Atlantic Ocean, or the student body will travel south en masse to conquer a warm-water port. Russia’s wanted one for a while. I suggest Columbia.