This article was co-written by Benjamin O'Donnell and Allie Miller. 

"Hey, uh, that's a nice Keystone box you're wearing, do you want to read this TDI article 'Pick(-Up) Your Poison'?"

If you answered, "My place or yours?" to the above question, you just became the newest victim of a pick-up line. Pick-up lines are much like introductory paragraphs: They invite you to get into something potentially tedious and ineptly-executed, during which you may be mocked, admonished, or lied to. But regardless, the invitation is on the table.

As any historian or Congressional page will tell you, pick-up lines are an age-old way of discovering who's creepy, who's witty and who's maybe a little bit of both. A way to define a generation. A way to get some ass. Ultimately their success comes down to how much dignity you're willing to lose to get a girl (or guy for that matter—role reversal is allowed). Many people tend to think that pick-up lines are a dead fad, but they tried to tell the same to Chuck Norris in 2004, about himself: Know that you are joined by many if you use them. Just recently I (Allie) heard this little number: "East Wheelock is too far. Can I stay in your room?"

First a caveat: pick-up lines, as we consider them at Dartmouth anyway, are not necessarily conversation-starters (though they may well be conversation-enders) of the archetypical Hi-my-name-is-[redacted]-do-you-want-to-[very redacted]? variety, but rather Deal-or-No-Deal bombshells dropped anywhere between the eye contact and the pull-out: essentially any utterance from either party involved that makes explicitly clear the sentiment "I would like to arrange a situation in which some part of your person can make physical contact with my genitals and perhaps the other way around also." So don't constrain your concept of "pick-up line" to introductory badinage—not everyone has the balls, so to speak, to make the genitals-contact thing obvious within the first ten seconds of a conversation. But either way, if you want to wake up next that fly honey/homie, you're going to have to whip one out eventually. But when, then? And to whom? How does one construct a good one? 

First, they tend to be witty. That way if you say something insanely offensive and vulgar at least the girl/guy will get a laugh out of it (totally equals sex for you). They tend to be short. A girl doesn't want to listen to you ramble on about how nice her chest looks in that shirt she's wearing. Some lines should include physical humor, though these require some caution. If you're still a little iffy on how to form the perfect pick-up, here are some examples to get your mind in the gutter.

1) I'm in Anatomy 11 and I lost my book. Can I use you?
2) I'm in a single and I think my roommate has a crush on you.
3) If they offered a CPR class for miniversity, would you be my partner?
4) I got accepted because of my brains. Need proof? (Note: This pickup line is rated NC-17 and should only be used during Armageddon or senior spring.)
5) Food court's closed. Do you have any food in your room?
6) There's an 80's party at Sig Nu, Milque and Cookies at Phi Tau, and a dance party at GDX. Wanna stay in?
7) I'm blue, you're yellow. Wanna make Big Green?

But like all games, you need to practice in order to win here. You need to account for more than just the line itself and potential easiness of your target. Pay attention to your surroundings and your audience. Passed-out and post-hosing probably means a hard sell. Same for funeral-goers. If you were a NASA astronaut orbiting Earth in the Space Shuttle Discovery, you might play a card like, "Hey, have you ever wondered what it's like to have sex in space?" Now there's definitely an elephant in the pressurized chamber, and Comrade Bortilskaya has no choice but to address it. Similarly, you can also run game in some of Dartmouth's hostile environments. Can't get her away from the friend? No prob, dude! "Riddle me this, ladies: How many people do you need to make a threesome? Three." At Dartmouth, even the girls are smart: They'll know what you're talkin' about!

Those may work every single time, but yours definitely won't. Here's a few what-not-to-do's to avoid when laying the mack down. Lack of originality is a big one. "If you were my homework assignment, I would do you"? Try again. But definitely don't obscure your intentions in insecure ambiguity ("If you were my homework assignment, um, uh, maybe we could get lunch sometime? Or not?"). Additionally, it's important not to be too sappy ("If you were my homework assignment, I would complete you.") or honest ("If you were my homework assignment, I would leave you half-finished and then go hit the bong"; "If you were my homework, I would not blitz you the next morning.") or Dadaist ("If you were my homework, I would fly to Ulan-Bataar on you with a cup of green squares and a like-new daguerreotype."), or any fumbling combination of the above. 

It's 4AM. Do you know where your chances are? Desperation can call for a dip into the reserve tank, to be sure. First, go for the implausible. "I heard Ashton Kutcher is back at my place. [Five minutes later] Shit, that's right, it wasn't actually Ashton Kutcher, I was confusing him with me. You're going to have to leave now, though, because Ashton Kutcher? Are you serious? Everything about him existing is terrible." And there's this old gem, which requires a venomous snake. Position yourself so that your venomous snake can bite your target. Then, all Barry-White-like, drop the line, "Hey hot stuff, looks like my venomous snake has bitten you. Medical institutions have tried for decades to treat the bite's toxic symptoms, but in vain. Fortunately for you, I know the only place in the world where a vial of the antidote is kept...my room." How could your paroxysmal paramour say no?

Whatever the situation, go with your instinct, screw dignity, praise wit and vulgarity, and impress your lay-to-be with how horribly naive you can get. And if you need someone to practice on who is not a cosmonaut, blitz us. We'd love a good laugh.